Spaceholders, how are you taking care of yourself?
Hi everyone, before we get into this week’s topic, if you’re available this Thursday May 7th at 11am Pacific, please join me in this FREE webinar where I’ll be discussing board governance with Dimple Abichandani, author of A New Era of Philanthropy, and Monika Kalra Varma, President and CEO of BoardSource. Register here.
Also, on May 28th at 1pm to 2pm Pacific, I’ll be in conversation with some brilliant leaders (including Jan Masaoka and Al Cantor) about regulatory and tax reform of private foundations. Basically, we need to understand what’s going on so we can push for policies and laws to curb foundations’ and wealthy individuals’ unconscionable wealth hoarding habits. Yes, it’s a bit wonky, but we’ll break it down so it’s easy to digest. It’ll be fun! And it’s free. Register here.
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A few days ago, I joined 100+ leaders at the Community-Centric Fundraising family reunion in San Diego. There are few events I attend where I feel completely at ease. Everyone was thoughtful about not recreating the default (i.e., white corporate) dynamics we see in other spaces. Even though we were discussing some serious issues—such as the ethics of using AI in fundraising—there was a palpable sense of community, authenticity, and joy. I never once felt like I had to code-switch. It was a rejuvenating couple of days for me.
Especially since I didn’t present at all. I didn’t do welcoming remarks. I gave zero speeches. I attended the sessions in t-shirt and flip-flops and stuffed my face with snacks, listening and learning from the many amazing voices who led the workshops and discussions.
But because I stayed on-site, I saw how hard the CCF leaders worked. They had planned this event for months, handling hundreds of logistical details needed to make this gathering a success. Before the reunion took place, they were already there, having a pre-reunion retreat on CCF’s direction. Easel papers covered with sticky notes were pasted all around the walls. Several leaders stayed up until midnight or later the day before the event, preparing their presentations and then were up at 6am the next day to set up signs, lay out breakfast, and do other tasks.
Conveners like the CCF leaders are an example of our sector’s “spaceholders,” a term I learned from healer Gina Breedlove at a gathering of progressive donors and movement leaders last fall, where I was invited to do a 30-minute stand-up comedy set about nonprofit and philanthropy. Gina came up to me and said, “Vu, I see you as a spaceholder. I’m having a meeting of fellow spaceholders later and I welcome you to attend.”
During this meeting, we talked about what it means to hold space for others, the tolls it takes, and how we take care of ourselves. The others in the group varied in what they did—therapists and counselors, healers of various types (sound, breathwork, somatics), conveners of different events, religious leaders, and so on. The commonality is that everyone was someone that constantly held space for people. To learn about something. To build community. To organize. To process their hopes, dreams, joy, fears, anger, grief, and other emotions. They play a vital role, especially during tumultuous times.
Most of us hold spaces in some form or another, in our personal and professional lives. But for some people, this is the primary role they play. I wasn’t sure at first what I, a rabble-rousing writer who goes around yelling about nonprofit and philanthropy while stealing snacks from foundation offices, was doing among these folks who do way more serious and important things. But I guess what I’m doing is also a form of spaceholding: creating content that allows others to hopefully feel seen and heard and maybe not so alone.
Our sector has many spaceholders. They are important to our work of creating a just and equitable world. When crises arise, they jump into action, supporting people to frame the problems and meet the moment. When things are relatively stable, they help people debrief and heal from the previous crises and prepare for potential ones.
But this often comes with costs. Holding space for others is time-consuming. It can be emotionally draining. The pressure can be too much. It usually doesn’t pay very well (unless you’re from some prestigious consulting firm or you’re a sound healer for celebrities or something). And often, people take it for granted. Or they don’t show up. Or they show up and only focus on the 5% that’s not perfect, ignoring the 95% that’s going well.
Or they get upset at you when you don't hold space when they expect you to, such as the time a colleague called me out because I wasn't fast enough to put out a statement after a white supremacist murdered Heather Heyer. (I had been spending time with my kids and had not yet seen the news).
So, for all the spaceholders out there, just want to let you know I see you. Your work is essential to our sector. And you must take care of yourself. Here are some reminders that may be helpful:
Decide when you hold space and when you don’t: For a while, I felt like I needed to post something after every awful thing that happens in the news. Like the Pulse shooting. And the Tree of Life shooting. And the 2016 elections. But I was getting overwhelmed because of the sheer volume of awfulness, and I felt guilty that I couldn't keep up. There's no way any one of us can hold space all the time. That's a recipe for burnout. We need to take turns holding space for one another.
Have your own self-care practices and prioritize them: It is a common trope that the people who take care of others often suck at taking care of themselves. Rest after each time you hold space for others. Do things that recharge you. One of my favorite self-care strategies is to turn down other people's invitations to self-care. "Vu, do you want to join me for this meditation workshop?" Nope! I just facilitated a conversation on fighting fascism! I'm going to watch trash TV!
Don't expect perfection from yourself: When you do hold space, there is a lot of burden you place on yourself to make things perfect. After all, people are depending on you to create the right environment, say the right things, build the right vibe. It's ok that everything doesn't go smoothly. Have the same grace for yourself that you often encourage others to have for themselves in the spaces you create for them.
Be in community with other spaceholders: It was really helpful for me to sit in a circle with others spaceholders and learn about all the different and similar dynamics we were experiencing. It was nice to have the language for some of the challenges we faced, and affirming to know I wasn't alone in feeling certain ways about various stuff, such as feeling like crap when something doesn't go as planned. (If you're holding space for spaceholders, such as Gina was doing at this session, you're a meta-spaceholder, so keep that in mind).
Find time to participate in things where you’re NOT actively holding space: While I love the spaceholding roles I often play, it's super nice to sometimes be in spaces (such as the CCF family reunion) where I don't have any obligations to plan, make a speech, give advice, do set-up and/or break-down, or engage in other tasks. Sometimes, it's great to simply be in the spaces created by other spaceholders. Maybe help stack a chair or two.
To all the healers, planners, conveners, and others who create spaces for people to gather, reflect, learn, strategize, build community, and find strength to fight inequity and injustice, thank you for your work. It is critical. Take care of yourself as you take care of others.
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Vu’s book, Reimagining Nonprofits and Philanthropy, is out. Order your copy at Elliott Bay Book Company, Barnes and Nobles, or Bookshop. If you’re in the UK, use this version of Bookshop. If you plan to order several copies, use Porchlight for significant bulk discounts. Also, if you're buying 25 copies or more, I'll be glad to call in for a 50-minute discussion; please contact NWBspeaking@gmail.com.
