Heated Rivalry, if it were set in nonprofit and philanthropy

Hey everyone, thanks to the recommendation/threats of several colleagues, I finished watching Heated Rivalry, a smoldering Canadian show about gay/bi hockey players. When everything is so awful in the world, it’s nice we can find some reprieve in stories of love, romance, and community. And softcore smut (Do NOT watch this show with your family).

While watching it though, I thought about what it would be like if instead of being set in the world of hockey, the show were set in our sector. And since I am too unmotivated to do real work today, I started working on the script. Here’s some excerpts from it:  

Episode 1:  

Shane: Hi, are you Ilya Rozanov?

Ilya (drags on his cigarette; blows some smoke): Who’s asking?

Shane: I’m Shane Hollander. I run a homelessness advocacy organization. We’re applying for this grant from your corporation’s CSR funds. Thanks for putting on this information session.

Ilya (looks at him blankly): You’re advocating for homelessness?

Shane: No, I mean, we’re advocating for policies that would help—

Ilya: I know what you mean, Hollander. Good luck on application. (Leaves)

(Hayden, Shane’s development director, arrives)

Hayden: Was that Ilya Rozanov walking by?

Shane: Yeah

Hayden: You told him about our org, eh?

Shane: Yeah. The guy’s an asshole, though.

Hayden: Don’t let it get to you. Come back inside. There’s poutine for lunch.

(9 months later)

Shane: Nice running into you at this conference. I just got news that my organization got a grant from your team. So I wanted to say thanks.

Ilya: Hollander, you don’t need to fawn over me like baby deer. I was not on grant decision team. Are you always this boring?

Shane: Are you always such an asshole? I was just saying thanks. And I’m not always this boring. I’m in a curling league. We placed second in regionals--

Ilya: 1039

Shane: What?

Ilya: My hotel room number. I might be there after the reception. If you’re not boring, you’ll be there.

Shane: Maybe I won’t be “boring” tonight.

Ilya: Maybe I won’t be bored.

(later that evening)

Ilya: I thought you’d chicken out.

Shane: I was aboat to. Is this even ethical? You’re a funder, and I’m with one of the nonprofits you’re supporting now. If people found out, it would be a scandal.

Ilya: You talk too much, Hollander. Don’t make me use clichéd trope of kissing someone to shut them up.

Shane: My nonprofit has no budget for crisis management, since funders don’t want to pay for overhead. All our PR is handled by an anti-capitalist octogenarian volunteer. She got caught egging a Tim Horton’s and was court-mandated to—

Ilya (pins him to the back of the hotel room door and kisses him passionately): Shut up Hollander. Take off your Winners shirt.

Shane: Marshall’s, and you’re not a funder tonight; I’m gonna be the funder (Pushes Ilya onto the bed and begins undressing him). I can see that your operation is starting to scale. But what’s your sustainability plan? How are you going to sustain this for a long, long time?  

(Three minutes of softcore ensue, where they are naked, but strategically angled so everyone watching is disappointed and/or relieved. Cue montage of them getting it on everywhere).

Episode 2

(2 months later)

Shane: So, this is the type of house a CSR salary gets you, eh?

Ilya: Would you like something to drink?

Shane: Just a—

Ilya: —glass of maple syrup. You are so predictable, Hollander. Here’s some hummus too. (lifts him up onto the counter and starts kissing him): I know you hate capitalism, but admit it, there are perks.

Shane: Oh, I can feel something perking

Ilya: Tell me what a bad boy I am for having two houses and using one for short-term rentals

Shane: You’re a naughty boy. I’m gonna have to spank you hard.  

Ilya: Yes, spank me with this rolled-up strategic plan

Shane: OK, but seriously, unregulated short-term rentals are ruining neighborhoods, and there is nothing sexy about that

(17 weeks later)

Scott: Ilya. Are you OK? You’ve been really quiet.

Ilya: Sorry. I didn’t get much sleep. I was up late…reviewing some grant reports.

(A text appears on Ilya’s phone from “Jane”: “Thanks for helping me build my org’s capacity last night 😉”)

Scott: You’re hilarious. You know those reports are pointless.

Ilya: Yes. I know. So have we considered just accepting annual reports instead? The idea that funders each deserve special snowflake program report is silly.

Scott: Yes, it’s silly and delusional, but that’s what we’ve always done. Anyway, let’s talk about it later. Shane Hollander is here for the annual grant-check in.

Ilya: I will leave. He’s not in my portfolio. Also, the guy is super boring. He curls for fun.

(Ilya leaves. Shane walks into the waiting room. They make brief eye contact and nod in passing. Ilya sits down at his desk, gets out his phone, and sends a text to “Jane”: “You look very cute. Can’t wait to tear that outfit off you.” “Jane” texts back: “Hell no you're not! This outfit cost me $38! That’s an entire day’s salary!”)

Episode 4

(7 months later)

Shane (cuddling with Ilya in bed): My organization’s gala. It’s next year. I was thinking you could come? As my Plus One?

Ilya: Hollander, we talked about this. We can’t be seen together romantically in public. It would ruin both our careers.  

Shane: I know. But it’s killing me. Clandestine meetings. Pretending we don’t know each other. Sexy times after work hours in my cubicle/supplies closet roleplaying as a Mountie interrogating a maple syrup counterfeiter. I want more than this.

Ilya (gets up and gets dressed): You nonprofit leaders, always wanting more. Every year, more, more. More general operating funds, more sponsorships. We can’t have more than this.

Shane: You don’t want more than this. Being a funder for so long has made you risk-averse aboat everything. Or you’re embarrassed aboat the idea of being with me. I get it. A funder can’t be seen in the gutters with an unwashed nonprofit peasant.

Ilya: I have to go. We are too different. Let’s spend some arcs dating other people while brooding and looking at our phones, wistfully pining for texts from each other, ignoring people around us, to build up tension.

Episode 5

(10 months later)

Ilya (on the phone with Shane): Hello Hollander

Shane: It’s been nearly a year with no word from you. I’m busy with my gala. What do you want?

Ilya: I was thinking about what you said. I’m not embarrassed by you. I’m embarrassed by me. I work for a large corporation that exploits workers and avoids taxes.

Shane: Rozanov, are you growing soft on me?

Ilya: I would never grow soft. You must have rubbed off on me.

Shane: Three times the last time we were together. Since you funders love metrics.

Ilya: I’m tired of all of this, Hollander. Capitalism. I wish I could tell off all the leaders at my corporation, but I can’t.

Shane: I have an idea. Why don’t you pretend I’m your corporation’s board and CEO. Go ahead and tell me off.

Ilya: I don’t have all the vocabulary in English.

Shane: Speak in Russian. I won’t understand anything, but it might make you feel better.

Ilya: OK. (Breathes deeply and speaks in Russian). All of you are part of a soul-sucking capitalist machinery that generates wealth off the back of its workers, whom we exploit by underpaying. Our profits have been breaking records in recent years, but workers are barely making minimum wage, simply because we can get away with it. All this money, what do we do with it? We use it buy politicians to pass laws that allow us to avoid paying taxes, and we open this CSR program to “give back” to community, but in reality we cause so much of the homelessness, environmental destruction, and other suffering we’re giving tiny amounts of money to fix. This guy I’ve met in one of the insufferable info sessions you make nonprofit leaders sit through to apply for one of our meager two-year grants is the best thing that has happened to me. He calls me an asshole, and he’s right. I’ve been complicit in maintaining this illusion to delude ourselves into thinking that billionaires and corporations like this one are heroes and saviors, but what we’re doing is just conscience-laundering and charity-washing the destruction they cause. I took this job hoping I could change things, but I have been naïve. I’ve let this job change me. I’ve become a coward, always risk-averse. Lacking imagination. Buying into the belief that the world will always be bad, so we must maintain our endowment and perpetuity, when we should instead be increasing our payout rate and solve these problems and go home. Homes. That’s what the guy I love is working on, because he believes everyone deserves a safe home and a beautiful community to live in. I love him. I love him more than anything, even poutine. And I'm too scared to tell him. If it weren’t for capitalism, we could be together, frolicking in the meadows, making sweet, steamy love with our parts strategically obscured. I quit. Capitalism sucks. Billionaires suck. You all suck. Pay your taxes. Increase compensation for all your workers. Help change policies so plutocrats like you don’t get to hoard the wealth built on the suffering of others and determine what issues get worked on, based on your whims and who has the best relationships with you.

Shane: Feel better?

Ilya: I do. I’m coming to your gala. As your Plus One. If you’ll have me.

Shane: You don’t have to—  

Ilya: I want to.

Shane: Are you free later tonight? I have another idea

Ilya: OK, I get my Mountie hat and handcuffs, you get maple syrup, and I meet you at your office.

--

Vu’s new book is out. Order your copy at Elliott Bay Book Company, Barnes and Nobles, or Bookshop. If you’re in the UK, use this version of Bookshop. If you plan to order several copies, use Porchlight for significant bulk discounts. Also, if you're buying 25 copies or more, I'll be glad to call in for a 50-minute discussion; please contact NWBspeaking@gmail.com.